Our five loaves and two fishes

Today life came to an overwhelming pace as it often can and all of it in the middle of church. When I was suppose to be focusing on God and the message, I was trying to figure out our lives. Just to give you a peek inside my brain it went something like this...

"That was a great clip on missions they just showed! I loved what they said about how their primary goal was just to be with people and teach them English but model Christ. Say, that's what we are hoping to do. Now how can we invite people over without it being wierd? Well, we have my work friends, Tim's work friends, and our neighbors. Man, I wish our basement was finished. Where are we going to fit everyone? Hmm let's see, if I went back to work maybe I could make enough money so we could finish our basement. Well then, if we want to have another kid that wouldn't work, because we would have three in daycare and there is no way that we could afford that. Well, what if we waited a few more years for another kid when the girls get closer to school age? Yah, that might work. But, what am I going to go back to work to do? With all that I've been learning I don't know if I am wanting to go back into ministry full time, plus there aren't any jobs here in my area anyway. What else could I do? Hmmm.. maybe I could go back to be a teacher. If we wait for a couple years I could go to school, then when the girls are ready for school I could teach. Then we could have more money and we could get a bigger house so that we can have people over so that we can do more ministry. But that means we'd have to wait a couple years to get everything started."

And that was all within about 10 minutes. Meanwhile I tried to focus on the remainder of the service.

After church was over we went home and my mom called. The night before my brother and sister-in law had gone to look at a new vehicle (their old car was totaled in an accident). They ended up buying and my mom described the new van they just got....leather seats, dvd player, lots of extra features all for a steal of a deal.

All the sudden our mini van became unworthy. It was just a regular minivan (no self opening doors, no hidden storage spaces, no dvd player). I also began to think of our house and compare it with our other friend's houses and how their's were so much better, and how we should build a new one but we don't have the money or the jobs everyone else does. As I tried desperately in that moment to convince myself not to, tears burned in my eyes falling across my face. I felt so hurt by God at that moment.

"God, I don't understand -- we try to live our lives in a way that pleases you. We do everything our other Christian friends do yet look at all the things they are blessed with. They have gaming systems and new TV's that would be awesome to attract people with. They have big houses with lots of space and pool tables. We have a small house with a PROJECTION TV (you know one of the big tvs that take 3 people to move). We have nothing to offer these people. We aren't cool and we don't have any money to buy all the cool things so they'll want to get to know us. We have nothing to offer you."

As my husband came into the room and heard the despair that I had been wallowing in for most of the morning, he spoke God-inspired words to me. He said, "Yes, your right. We don't have a lot to offer people. We don't have gaming systems and TV's but we have food, us and God. This house is our five loaves and two fishes. It may not be a lot, but it's what we have to offer God. "

God's spoke directly to my heart through my husband the minute he said "five loaves and two fishes". You see the Sunday before we had just taught our 1st and 2nd grade Sunday School class about the miracle of Jesus taking a boys lunch of five loaves and two fishes and using it to feed over 5,000 people who were listening to Him teach. We would all look at that and say there is no way that would be enough, but God used it to do the miraculous.

I believe that will be the new name for our house "our five loaves and two fishes." It may not be much, but it WILL be a place for Jesus to use to do his miraculous work-- gaming systems or not.